Trials and Unanswered Prayers

I recently learned of a man whose wife has struggled with severe health problems. For the past two years, this man has prayed fervently, along with many family and friends, for his wife to recover, but to no avail. Recently he expressed resignation that the miracle he seeks will not come "until the resurrection." But he also asked a poignant question, "Why bother to pray? If the Lord will do what the Lord is going to do, in his time and his own way, why ask for something?"

This is a great question, though he undoubtedly felt guilty even asking it. In fact, he later apologized for bringing it up (this was in a religious setting), and he finally said: 

"I've come to the conclusion that I am not humble enough... I'm afraid my complacency and pride has brought this on."

Up to this point I had been quiet, but I have spent too much time blaming myself for my own unanswered prayers to let someone else do that. I told him, "One thing I am certain of is that it isn't your fault. It's not because of your pride. Whether and how God answers your prayers is not your responsibility. It's on him." 

Why Do We Blame Ourselves?

In the Church there is an understanding that we will get blessings and answers to prayers if we are faithful, and by implication we'll receive less of these if we are not.

The official Gospel Topic essay on the Church's website titled "Adversity" lists three possible reasons for trials:

1. "Trials may come as a consequence of a person's own pride and disobedience."
2. "Other trials are simply a natural part of life and may come at times when people are living righteously."
3. "Suffering may also come through a loving Heavenly Father as a tutoring experience."

So the question is, how do we decide which is the cause? Unfortunately, I'm afraid this decision has more to do with our personality and mental state than our personal righteousness. None of us are perfect, so we could all assume we were to blame, even if were weren't. Someone who is self-assured is likely to accept a trial as a natural part of life, while those who are unsure of themselves--ironically the most humble--are the ones most likely to blame their trials on their own pride.

Indeed, many church leaders encourage this. One of the most blatant examples is from a talk given by Henry J. Eyring (not the apostle--his son) at a BYU Idaho devotional in 2018:

Whenever I am tempted to doubt the Church or any of its leaders, past or present, I need only to reevaluate my own spiritual state.  I ask myself the question, “Am I true?”...

[M]y answer to the question, “Am I true?” is always “No.”  There is always some weakness I can identify or some failure requiring repentance.  It could be a harm caused to myself or to others.  It could also be a failure to do a good deed that was within my power...

Fortunately for me, I have enough personal weakness and falseness to last a lifetime.  As a result, I need never be thrown into doubt by any accusation against the Church, its doctrines, or its leaders.  Whenever I feel such doubts and the associated temptation to judge the Church, I try to remember to turn a critical eye back on myself.  When I do that, there is always something in my thoughts and actions that needs fixing, or at least improving.

He goes on like this for several minutes. I won't torture you by quoting any more (you can read or listen to it all here), but the message is clear--if you are ever tempted to doubt God or his church, you are the one to blame, not God or the church.

Now I'm definitely in favor of looking inward and always trying to improve, but this is toxic and pernicious. This is where the church causes the most harm. This is where it leads to depression, guilt, shame, anxiety, and even suicide.

The Repentance Spiral

Whether the issue is doubts about the church, unanswered prayers, or a difficult trial, the fact is that focusing the blame on ourselves does nothing to resolve the doubts or solve the real problems. It is just a distraction. And when repenting of one thing doesn't work, we look for something else we are doing wrong, and the cycle repeats, until we've eaten ourselves up with shame and self-loathing.

For those in this spiral, it's not evil, harmful acts that we're repenting of. We're usually racking our brains trying to find the tiniest little sins. Every passing "unworthy" thought, every time we didn't say hi to someone. Maybe we had an impression to take cookies to a neighbor, but got too busy and didn't follow through. Maybe we missed a night of reading our scriptures, or we fell asleep on the couch and missed our evening prayers. Maybe we were just a little too happy with our lives before the trial, and now wonder if we were being too prideful. Even as I type this, I feel a residual pit of guilt in my stomach.

When we get into this cycle, we are rarely making actual improvements in our lives; we are just beating ourselves up for being human--for being ourselves. And when none of this self-abuse makes any difference, either for the original issue, or for ourselves and our own "righteousness," we internalize a strong sense of shame, of not being enough, of never being enough.

And then, just as we start to realize what we're doing, we hear well-meaning church leaders tell us that this kind of toxic perfectionism comes from Satan. Well, that's all well and good, but wait--does that mean I'm doing something wrong that's allowing Satan into my mind?

My heart aches for all the people who have worn out their knees with of hours of pleading with God to "pray the gay away," wondering why these feelings never seem to abate. I empathize with the critical thinker, praying fervently for God to take away his doubts and bestow the spiritual witness he had been promised but has never received. I ache for the struggling single mother, desperately trying to make ends meet, while praying to God for help which never comes, and blaming it on her own perceived failures.

Should We Blame God?

After responding to the brother above, I realized that my little jab at the end, "It's on him," may have come across a little cynical and sound like I'm blaming God. The truth is I harbor no ill will towards God.

Agnostics and atheists are often accused of being angry at God, but how can you be angry at someone you don't believe in? If I did believe in him, I might be a bit angry, especially if I was struggling through a difficult trial and not getting answers to prayers.

People take comfort in their belief in God, and I want to respect that. But there are times when that belief backfires, like when you don't get answers to your prayers.

For me the best approach is grounded in realism. God may exist, but I can't really know that, so it's best to stick with what I do know. In the case of adversity, that means always assuming option 2: "trials are simply a natural part of life." And solving them or getting through them is not something you can just pass off to God--it requires human intervention: perseverance, medical care, service, empathy, and love. 

Too often false hope causes devastation when promises aren't realized, and it gets in the way of real solutions.

You Are Enough!

To anybody who has gone through any of the above, or is going through it now, please know that you are enough just as you are! You are trying to be a good person, and that's all you need. You don't have to constantly look for nitpicky sins to repent of. And most importantly, when things go wrong, you don't need to make it worse by blaming yourself!