Morality and Meaning After a Faith Crisis

After the crash, Sailor had a choice. She could have chosen to stay by the airplane in the dark, alone and afraid. But there was a long night ahead, and it was just going to get colder. She chose another way. Sailor climbed up a hill, and there she saw a light on the horizon.

Gradually, as she made her way through the night toward the light, it grew brighter. Still, there must have been times when she could not see it. Perhaps it went out of view when she was in a ravine or behind trees or bushes, but she pressed on. Whenever she could see the light, Sailor had evidence that she was on the right path. She did not yet know precisely what that light was, but she kept walking toward it based on what she knew, trusting and hoping that she would see it again if she kept moving in the right direction. By so doing, she may have saved her life.

Our lives can be like that too. There may be times when we have been hurt, when we are tired, and when our lives seem dark and cold. There may be times when we cannot see any light on the horizon, and we may feel like giving up.

The above story was told by Whitney Clayton in a talk titled "Choose to Believe" from the April 2015 General Conference. I heard this talk right at the cusp of my spiritual crisis, and it resonated with me, but not for the reasons you might think. 

In my last post I talked about how allowing myself to question my faith was in a way a leap of faith. Like Sailor's walk in the night, my path seemed dark and cold, and filled with uncertainty, but I too had a light to guide my way. This was not the light of "faith" or the light of Christ. It was the light of reason and truth. I was reassured by the conviction that following my conscience and following the evidence, wherever it may lead, would ultimately lead me to the light.

Today I want to discuss what happens during that journey, and what life is like once a person emerges on the other side.

Everyone's path is unique, and I can't speak for all. I can only draw from my own experiences, along with a few anecdotes from others, and a bit of research. But hopefully this will resonate with those who have taken a similar journey. And for those who haven't, I hope it will help you understand our journeys a little better.

Rebranding Faith

For people of faith, their belief in God permeates everything they do and think. It's the hook upon which they hang all their hopes and dreams in this life, and the anchor that guides all their actions and thoughts. For example:

• God is in charge, He has a plan for us
• Everything comes from God, and all our gratitude is directed to Him
• If we keep God's commandments we'll be blessed
• Trust in God and He will provide
• We can do all things through Christ; with God nothing is impossible
• God helps us through our trials and gives us strength in times of weakness

When people see everything through the lens of God, all of their positive feelings and outcomes are attributed to him, and inextricably tied to their belief in him, so the idea of losing this belief is unthinkable. That's why you often hear quotes like this one from Russell M. Nelson at the October 2020 General Conference:

"Life without God is a life filled with fear. Life with God is a life filled with peace."

But do all these hopes and motivations actually rely on our faith in God, or are they simply a fundamental part of being human? 

Sailor's story above is inspiring. It's a story of courage, perseverance, and hope. For a believer, it's a story of faith and of the goodness of God in helping us during times of need. But for a non-believer, it's a story of perseverance and courage, and a testament to the power of the human spirit.

What many believers don't understand is that those who lose their faith in God don't automatically lose the positive emotions and attitudes that had previously been tied to God. Those sentiments basically remain the same, they are just rebranded, and can easily stand on their own without a belief in the supernatural. For example:

• Believe in yourself; don't dwell on the things you can't control
• Be thankful for what you have, and show gratitude to others
• Work hard and you will reach your goals
• Be good to others, and they will be good to you
• Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it; humans are awesome!
• If you are honest and stick to your principles things will work out

In many ways these attributes--optimism, gratitude, grit, trust, and integrity--are part of what we commonly refer to as faith. For example, believing things will work out without knowing; having faith to get on the treadmill or bike every day, trusting long-term results over short-term comforts.

Everyone has different levels of these traits, but they are not correlated to any particular religion. That's because regardless of what supernatural beings we do or do not rely upon, most of us actually base our hopes and attitudes on:

1. Our genetic predispositions, and
2. Our past experiences

Someone going in to take a final exam might look to God to help them succeed, but ultimately their level of confidence will be based on their personality, how prepared they are, and how well they have done on similar tests in the past.

Some people are naturally optimistic, while others tend to be more anxious, and religion feeds both sides of that spectrum. While many people take comfort in the idea of an afterlife, others constantly worry about whether they'll be worthy enough to make it to the right kingdom. While some treasure the guidance and structure provided by the rules of their religion, others struggle with perfectionism and guilt with every minor infraction, or even develop clinical scrupulosity from trying to live their religion with exactness. 

Religion can also be a two-edged sword on a person's morality.

Rebuilding My Moral Framework

The scariest part about my faith crisis was the idea of losing my moral framework. I had consistently heard warnings that you can't have morality without God! There were times when I feared that without the church I would become an alcoholic or drug addict, or that I would cheat on my wife. But it turns out this fear was unfounded. 

In some ways I had to dismantle my current moral framework and rebuild it from the ground up. But it wasn't as difficult or scary as I had feared. There were some rules of the Church that I re-examined, and some that I no longer found useful. But for the most part my morality didn't change on the surface. 

However, my underlying moral framework did change. Just like the traits of optimism and hope discussed above, our desires to do good or bad don't really depend on our belief in God, and for those of us who want to do good there are still some solid frameworks to build your morals upon without relying upon God's commandments.

We could get into a long discussion on moral philosophy, but in the end it's quite simple. There are many ways to put it, but they all mean pretty much the same thing:

• Don't be a jerk
• Be nice to others
• Have empathy
• Live The Golden Rule
• Love and accept others

I do believe religion generally encourages people to challenge themselves and become better. But it also leaves room for abuse of power and misuse of God's authority to commit and justify harmful acts. If we judge right and wrong based only on what God commands, then a person can simply claim special revelation from God to justify whatever they want to do. As Joseph Smith said in The Happiness Letter (written to 19 year old Nancy Rigdon in an attempt to convince her to become his 11th plural wife): 

That which is wrong under one circumstance, may be, and often is, right under another. God said, ‘Thou shalt not kill’; at another time he said, ‘Thou shalt utterly destroy’... Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is...

So with Solomon; first he asked wisdom, and God gave it him, and with it every desire of his heart; even things which might be considered abominable to all who understand the order of heaven only in part, but which, in reality, were right, because God gave and sanctioned by special revelation.

Ultimately a person who wants to do harm will find ways to justify their actions with or without religion, and a person who wants to do good will do so with or without religion.

The biggest silver lining though for having a morality without religion, is that you don't have to judge others through the lens of your religion. You don't have to feel pity for your family member who no longer believes, and you don't have to feel sorrow for your gay friend who has "chosen a sinful life." You can fully love and accept them for who they are, with no reservations. 

Finding Community

Religion plays an important role in society as a sort of glue for communities. Without the Church I would have never met many neighbors and friends, and I always loved that I could meet another Church member anywhere in the world and instantly have a connection with them. 

Leaving the church, however, means losing that community and becoming an outsider. And although Mormonism doesn't require members to shun "apostates" like the Jehovah's Witnesses, you do often feel judged, marginalized, and misunderstood, especially with the way church leaders mischaracterize those who doubt and lose their faith as weak or uncommitted. There is also a sense of loss when you no longer share that common belief with family and friends, and when you don't meet regularly with a community of like-minded neighbors.

Fortunately there are many online and in-person communities today specifically for ExMormons, and these have been a life saver for so many of us! Not only do they help fill in the gaps of your lost communities, they also give you a sense of belonging and help you realize that you're not alone. They allow you to speak openly and be vulnerable, and to hear others' experiences and insights, as you process everything involved in navigating this new and scary world. Shout out to all my ExMormon friends! Love you all!

Finding Meaning in a Meaningless Universe

One of the appeals of religion is that it gives us purpose, and a nice set of rules and guidelines to help us fulfill that purpose. It also gives us the sense of eternal importance--we are the pinnacle of God's creation, and the universe exists just for us. 

When we lose that, it can be a huge punch in the gut--to think that nothing we do really matters in the long run, and when we are gone the universe will go on living without us.

But does that really mean our lives have no meaning? Perhaps not to the Universe, but why should I care what the universe thinks after I'm gone? For me finding meaning just meant adjusting the scale of my importance in the universe. The things I do now will matter to me and to my family and friends. Isn't that what really counts? And in a way, taking focus away from eternity allows me to more fully live in the here and now.

One of my greatest realizations was that no one person or religion could tell me my purpose in life. I had to create my own. This is a daunting task when you consider all the possibilities, but if we make the effort it can help us know ourselves better and live a more authentic life, because we are fulfilling our own purpose, instead of one externally imposed upon us.

For me this means seeing my wife and children be happy and progress, and reciprocate the love I have for them. It means striving to succeed in my career and provide for my family, but also finding joy in challenging myself, solving problems, enjoying and creating music, discovering new insights, and seeking out novel experiences. 

Most of this hasn't changed since leaving the church, except that I feel more free to learn new things and explore the world of knowledge, because I'm no longer worried about my beliefs being threatened by outside information. I also have more time to dedicate to my authentic goals, because I don't have to worry about feeling guilty for not proclaiming the gospel, perfecting the saints, or redeeming the dead.

Embracing the Unknown

Losing your religion can be a dark and difficult spiritual journey. But it can also be a huge learning experience and an opportunity for growth. 

One of the biggest takeaways from my journey was learning to be comfortable with uncertainty, and learning that I shouldn't pretend to have answers when I don't really know. I no longer believe that "a testimony is gained in the bearing of it." Instead, I believe we have a responsibility to question everything, and seek out evidence through proven methods of investigation.

Is there a God? I don't know. I don't need to know, and that's the beauty of it. If there is and he really wants me to know, he can let me know. Until then I am happy embracing that uncertainty, living with what I do know, trying to make the world a better place, and making the most of the one life I know I have.

Additional Resources

Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success, by Adam Grant. This book presents very interesting psychological research on the benefits of being good to other people. I read this before my faith crisis, and it helped me realize that morality could be informed by more than just religion.

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, by Angela Duckworth. This is great book for helping you find passion and meaning in life by choosing goals and working towards them. 

And here are a few great videos. 

This first one comes from the podcast "EarBiscuits" (available as podcast or via video format on YouTube). Here Link Neal (of Rhett and Link) discusses his spiritual journey out of evangelical Christianity, and reconciling his new morality even in the face of some difficult challenges in his life. Very moving.

This next video from Crash Course discusses the philosophical concept of Existentialism and the idea of creating our own meaning in a meaningless universe (this whole series is great by the way).

Finally, this video by Veritasium explores coming to terms with our own impermanence.